


Promises

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Assisted Suicide, Child Abuse, Cock Warming, Gang Rape, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Muteness, Racism, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-20 10:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14258898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: Thomas and Alexander didn't fit in the world they'd been thrown into. So they decided to leave it. By noose or split wrists or a bullet, they promise they'll leave it together. Then people get in the way.





	1. Attempts

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first explicit fic so please bear with the horrendous descriptions. Also, if you are at all triggered by suicide PLEASE DO NOT READ. This draft is literally titled 'suicide pact'. There is a lot of talk around suicide

They weren’t sure how it started. How would they? It wasn’t exactly normal. They weren’t exactly normal.

The black teen and the Caribbean immigrant deep in the heart of the Southern racism and hatred. They had never known quite how much they didn’t fit in until they locked lips when they had drunk too much trying to forget that.

They didn’t talk about that until they were doing it again, when they were crying into each other’s shoulders because why couldn’t they just be normal for once?

When they broke apart they didn’t have the words to explain.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that.” Thomas whispered, wiping away the tears. Alexander shook his head.

“I’m sorry.”

Suddenly there were too many tears.

 

It came to an argument in the end, just how they would do it. Alexander wanted to take a knife to his wrists before handing it to Thomas. Thomas wanted a gun. Alexander scoffed at that, of course the southerner wanted the gun.

In the end they compromised; hanging. The two nooses were set up a foot apart. As Alexander stared at them he began to laugh.

“What is it?” Thomas asked softly.

“They’d have lynched us if they knew.”

Thomas stared at the nooses before a smile crossed his face.

“I guess we beat them to it.”

“You sure about this?”

“Yeah.” Thomas slowly nodded. “Yeah, I am.”

 

Thomas’ father was the one that found them. They weren’t aware of that until there were screams and blows raining down on them. Their throat were bruised black but all Thomas could think was that he couldn’t even do that right, couldn’t even die right.

They were dragged apart as Thomas was thrown down to the basement of his house. The cold didn’t bother him as much as the pain in his leg did. He didn’t see Alexander the next day, didn’t see anyone except his mother throwing food down to him.

He stared at the food for a long time before he ate it. He wasn’t strong enough to starve himself to death and he didn’t really want to.

Anyway, he’d promised Alexander he wouldn’t do that.

“Together we go. Together we stay.” Thomas muttered before putting the first bite of food into his mouth.

 

When Thomas next saw Alexander he had to stop himself from sobbing. Alexander’s right hand (his writing hand, a numb part of Thomas’ brain screamed) was wrapped in a cast and pulled close to his body. His throat had dark bruises that hadn’t moved.

Thomas rushed forwards and engulfed him in a hug, whispering that they would do it, they wouldn’t be forced through this again.

Alexander just stared up at him with tears in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Thomas asked. Alexander raised his left hand to his mouth, covering it. “Talk. Say something!” Alexander shook his head. “Say anything!”

Alexander couldn’t.

 

Thomas saw the horrors inflicted on Alexander a month after that attempt. Thomas had snuck into Alexander’s room and they’d kissed and fucked, making sure every sound was silenced before it could even be made. They were simply holding each other close when the door pushed open.

Immediately Thomas hid in the closet, all but thrown in it by Alexander who just stood, not bothering to hide his naked body. His foster father, a man by the name of James Reynolds, didn’t seem to care.

Reynolds advanced into the room before grabbing Alexander’s throat and throwing him into the wall, pinning him tight. Alexander let his eyes slide shut as Reynolds began to kiss and bite alone his neck, drawing blood on multiple occasions. Alexander didn’t even make a noise when one of Reynolds’ hands strayed further down.

When the first finger penetrated him, Alexander jerked away in protest but Reynolds didn’t do anything apart from slam him into the wall again. Alexander’s head lolled back slightly, letting Reynolds add a second finger.

Thomas watched from the closet as his boyfriend was fucked roughly into the wall. Reynolds muttered seemingly every curse he knew as blood began to drip down Alexander’s legs.

When Reynolds finished he did it deep inside Alexander.

“You like this, don’t you?” Reynolds hissed out. Alexander closed his eyes which forced tears to streak down his face. “Like being fucked like the whore you are. I wonder how many you could take? How many until you were satisfied? I don’t think you’ll ever be satisfied. Sluts never are.”

With that, Reynolds pulled out and threw Alexander to the floor. Alexander barely had time to brace himself before he hit the ground. When he landed he just lay there, not bothering to move. Reynolds laughed above him before he turned on his heels and left.

Thomas pulled himself out of the closet and crouched down in front of Alexander. Alexander turned his face away, obviously sobbing.

“Has he done that before?”

Alexander offered a shaky nod and Thomas sighed.

“A lot?”

Alexander nodded again.

“Have you told anyone?”

There was a pause, as if Alexander was running the question over in his head after a moment he sat up and pointed to his desk. Thomas frowned but followed the movement. He nodded and stood, grabbing a pen and paper.

**I told Mr Eacker**

“I’m proud of you for that.” Thomas said gently. Alexander nodded and curled into Thomas’ warmth. Thomas began to run his hand through Alexander’s hair. “What happened?”

**Eacker told Reynolds. Reynolds sold me to Eacker**

Thomas sucked in a deep, calming breath before he responded.

“What?”

**It’s what sluts are for**

Thomas wanted to cry at that. Instead, he just gathered Alexander into a hug. Alexander burrowed into him and began to sob in earnest.

“It’s not what you’re for Alexander. You’re here to change the world.” Alexander reached for the pen and paper but Thomas pushed them away. “I- I never asked why you wanted to do this. I should have. I can help stop this. I can help.” Alexander stared at him for a long moment before he reached for the pen and paper again. This time, Thomas didn’t do anything.

**I want to try again**

 

Their next attempt ended even worse than the first. The second time, Reynolds found them. When Thomas got to the hospital, blood staining his clothes, he was too angry to notice that Alexander wasn’t there.

When he finally found Alexander again, the boy had managed to compile more injuries. The doctors were confused why Thomas was saying it had been a suicide pact while Alexander showed all the signs of a mugging turned rape.

Alexander didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. Instead he just sat in the bed next to Thomas, not meeting his eyes. When he began to sob, silent tears that couldn’t change a thing, Thomas felt his heart break all over again.

“It’ll be okay.” Thomas croaked out. Alexander looked at him and nodded. “No I- I mean it. I’ll make it right. We…” Thomas trailed off as Alexander just nodded. “We’ll be happy.”

Alexander shook his head.

 

Thomas didn’t understand what they were saying when the doctor started talking about intensive care, about long term care.

He only realised it when they started talking about institutionalisation.

“Will Alexander be coming?” Thomas asked softly. The doctor looked at him in surprise at that before she nodded slowly.

“Alexander’s mental state looks to be very poor right now. We want both of you to be transferred somewhere safe. Just for a little bit.”

“Okay.” Thomas couldn’t summon up any energy. He just accepted. Alexander did the same.

 

“I’m James Madison.”

Thomas stared at the proffered hand for several seconds too long. The boy extending it retracted it and shifted on his feet, biting at his lip. Thomas realised he should have said something.

“Thomas.” He pointed to Alexander who was right next to him. “Alexander. He doesn’t like nicknames.”

“O-okay. It’s nice to meet both of you.”

“Alexander can’t talk.”

“Why not?”

Alexander shook his head at that and Thomas nodded.

“Personal.”

“Oh. Sorry I didn’t- I mean-”

“It’s fine.” Thomas looked around the room at the other people. “Did everyone here try to kill themselves?”

“Yeah. Well, mostly. A few-” James shrugged and looked around the room. He pointed to a girl who seemed to be in deep conversation with herself. “That’s Angelica. She has really bad hallucinations. She didn’t mean to kill herself, she just thought her sisters were somewhere there wasn’t ground.”

“Sisters?”

“They’re not real either. Peggy and Eliza. They were both stillborn I think. Really messed up her family.” James glanced at Thomas who just nodded. He then pointed to a boy at the other end of the room with more freckles than Thomas could count. “Philip, he’s severely depressed. Keeps on getting these nightmares about him dying. He’s got insomnia as well and one time he- he tried to see if he was still alive.”

“Dying?”

“Shot. He’s got two recurring nightmares. He’s a revolutionary soldier in one of them and just some scared kid in the other. His parents didn’t accept him when he came out and when this started they were happy to cart him off to here.”

“How many people are here?”

“Not really that many. Angelica, Phillip, Hercules, Aaron and me. And you two as well.”

“Why’re you here?”

Rather than answering, James flipped his wrist over and extended his arm. There were two angry red scars across his wrists, belying the depth. Thomas smirked and copied the gesture. Alexander did the same beside him. James almost laughed at it.

“Wow.”

“We’re all fucked up here.” Thomas commented dryly. Alexander nodded, next to him.

 

“So how are you fitting in, Alexander?”

Alexander stared up at John Adams. He was his therapist and Alexander was already done with him. Alexander shrugged and Adams scowled.

“You need to talk to me, Alexander or I can’t help you.”

**Don’t want you to help me**

“Then why are you here?”

**Because none of you fuck heads have let me die**

Alexander took joy in the anger that passed over Adams’ face. If he could still talk- Alexander’s mood fell at that. He couldn’t.

“What are you thinking?” Adams asked quickly. Alexander bit his lip.

**Talking**

“There’s little point in thinking about that Alexander. The damage to your vocal chords was immense. You can’t talk.”

Alexander looked away, blinking back tears. He knew that, of course he did. It didn’t mean it stopped hurting. Adams was watching him and a small smile crossed over his face.

“I’ve talked to the doctors a lot about what happened to you. Your second attempt. It’s interesting that you didn’t report anything about the attacker.” Adams stood and slunk closer to Alexander who stared at him distrustfully. Adams laid a hand on inner thigh and sank to his knees, putting his lips to Alexander’s ears. “I wonder what else you’d keep quiet about.”

**Get off me**

The handwriting was shaky but Alexander still tried, still tried to shove it into Adams’ face. Adams looked at it and smiled. He stood and sighed.

“Fine. I have a session with Thomas next. I-” Before Adams could say anything else Alexander was shaking his head, silently begging. He couldn’t force that on Thomas, couldn’t hurt Thomas. “What is it, Alexander? Use your words.” Alexander scrambled for the pen and paper and began to write.

**Don’t touch Thomas, please. I’ll do whatever you want, you can do whatever you want to me. I won’t tell anyone, not even Thomas but please don’t hurt him**

Adams looked over the paper and grinned.

“On your knees.”

Alexander pushed himself off the chair and onto his knees, keeping eye contact with Adams. Adams ran a hand down Alexander’s face, caressing it. Alexander didn’t have a second of warning before a slap rang out and his head fell to the side.

“Look at me.” Adams commanded from above him. Alexander looked back up at him just as Adams undid his fly. Alexander sucked in a calming breath and opened his mouth. Adams actually laughed at that. “What a perfect little slut.” Alexander closed his eyes as Adams stepped closer. This was what he was good for, this was what he was made for.

When Adams came down Alexander’s throat he forced the teenager to swallow it all down. Alexander did it without a touch of rebellion. Adams then pulled him to his feet for a bruising kiss. Alexander kept his eyes closed even as he felt Adams’ hand on his crotch. When he felt the lack of bulge Adams huffed a laugh.

“Maybe not too much of a slut. Yet. Don’t worry. I’ll make you useable.”

Alexander didn’t open his eyes.

 

“Look, I know something’s wrong.” Thomas said softly. Alexander turned to him and shrugged. Thomas sighed. “Did Adams say something?” Alexander shook his head. “Did he do something?” Alexander shook his head, trying to ignore the lurch of fear in his gut.

He was allowed to lie to Thomas. Even if Thomas found out and was angry he wouldn’t hurt Alexander like Reynolds would. Thomas wouldn’t break Alexander’s arm for fun.

“I’m worried.” Thomas sat down next to Alexander and interlocked their hands. “I- I’m worried about you.”

**Don’t be**

“You don’t like me touching you anymore.” Thomas whispered. Alexander looked away. He couldn’t do anything right. All the time he spent with Adams acting as a glorified sex toy but he couldn’t do anything for his boyfriend.

Rather than writing his thoughts Alexander just leant forwards and kissed Thomas. Thomas let his eyes fall closed and Alexander smiled. He shuffled forwards and opened Thomas’ trousers. Thomas’ breath hitched.

“In a mental hospital? Really?”

In response, Alexander just kissed him again before he pulled himself down the bed. Thomas watched him as Alexander pulled down Thomas’ pants.

“We don’t have protection.”

Alexander shrugged. The moment they were out of the hospital, Alexander would kill himself. It didn’t exactly matter. Thomas was about to say something but then Alexander’s mouth was on Thomas’ dick and he didn’t have any words.

Thomas kept on making small mewling sounds that Alexander blocked out. He just needed to remember to breathe, to breathe evenly. He could let his muscle memory do the rest. He had to do this, had to make Thomas feel good.

Thomas’ hips stuttered upwards and he shouted something out just as he came. Alexander was caught off guard and began to cough. Thomas cursed quietly and sat up, pulling Alexander closer. When Alexander’s coughs had died down Thomas just watched him for a long moment as he gathered himself.

“God, I love you.” Thomas whispered. Alexander smiled. It was what Adams had said, what Reynolds had said, what even Eacker had said. “No, I mean it.” Thomas gently kissed Alexander. “I love you so fucking much.”

Alexander stared back and felt tears building in his eyes. He was a slut, he didn’t deserve love.

But here Thomas was, offering it freely.


	2. Punishments

“Strip.”

Alexander had barely closed the door before the command from Adams came. He took in a steadying breath and wondered what it would feel like to say no, just for once.

He didn’t dare do it.

Adams watched as each piece of clothing came off until Alexander was stood in the centre of the room in nothing but his underwear.

“Take those off as well.” Adams commanded. He was sat at his desk, staring greedily at Alexander.

Alexander pulled his underwear off and set them on top of the pile of clothes. Adams stood and smiled as he viewed Alexander.

“Something a bit different today.” Adams gestured Alexander forwards and he did, pausing at the opposite side of the desk. “I’ve been asked to have a meeting.” Adams grabbed Alexander’s clothes and put them into one of his desk drawers. Alexander followed each movement with his eyes. “I want you to hear it.”

Alexander frowned and Adams grinned. He walked up behind Alexander and pressed the boy against the desk. Alexander felt his breathing speed up as he wanted to escape. He felt a finger pushing into him and forced himself to relax. The finger slipped in and Alexander whimpered. Adams chuckled.

“Getting easier every time. Wonder how long it’ll be until I can fuck you dry, when your body wants me that much.”

Alexander screwed his eyes. If he could talk he’d be biting his tongue, forcing himself to not respond to how fucking stupid that comment was. He let out a pained grunt as Adams forced another finger in.

“You weren’t listening.” Adams growled. “I suggest you do.” Alexander nodded and forced himself to breathe evenly despite the pain coursing through him. After still not enough time, a third finger was added until they were all removed. Adams pulled back for a moment and Alexander could hear the liquid being spread again.

When he felt Adams’ dick pushing into him Alexander closed his eyes. He tried to stop the scream erupting from him when Adams pushed all the way down on one slide. All he could think about was how painful it was, how all-consuming it was. He knew he was crying and that if he could talk he’d be screaming.

Adams just moaned and began to fuck Alexander in earnest, slamming his hips against the desk with every thrust. Alexander felt the tears continue to drip down his face but he couldn’t seem to connect with it. There was just pain and emptiness, as if nothing else in the world existed.

When Adams was done, he pulled out and Alexander just stayed bent over his desk. Adams shoved Alexander’s underwear at him and Alexander shakily pulled them on. It had been months since someone had fucked him like that. Months since he’d been forced away from Reynolds into the new hell hole.

He’d forgotten how much someone could make it hurt.

“Get under the desk.” Adams snapped out. Alexander stared at him in confusion. “The desk. Get under it.” Alexander nodded and slipped under the desk. It was a tiny space, barely big enough for him to sit in. He had to lean his head to the side just to fit.

He felt his breathing spike as Adams sat on his chair and pushed into the space. Alexander was trapped on all side and he couldn’t get out. Before he could panic too much there were fingers on his face, forcing his mouth open. He felt Adams’ cock land on his tongue and closed his eyes.

He was there to warm the man’s cock. That was all he was good for. That and being fucked across his desk.

“If you make a noise then Thomas will get into a little accident tomorrow.” Alexander felt tears begin to fall down his face at that. He didn’t know why Adams bothered with that, bothered with blackmailing him more. Alexander would do anything to keep Thomas safe. “One of the guards might mistake him for trying to run. Do you know how much damage their batons can do?” Alexander sniffed gently and could almost feel Adams’ grin. “Keep silent and listen, whore.”

Alexander closed his eyes and nodded.

It felt like an eternity of agony as he remained under the desk. He felt his breathing speed up several times but forced himself to calm down again or he’d hyperventilate. He could feel drool dribbling down his chest and his jaw ached. Eventually there a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Adams called out. Alexander heard the person step inside and sit down in the chair next to the desk. All that was separating Alexander and the new person was a flimsy bit of wood. “It’s good to see you again, Thomas.”

“Adams.” Thomas said that name with a smile, Alexander knew he did. He knew what Thomas sounded like when he smiled.

“Is there something specific you wanted to talk to me about?”

“I’m worried about Alexander.”

“Really?” Adams leant forwards which forced his cock further into Alexander’s mouth. Alexander forced himself to accept it. He couldn’t make a noise, not now that Thomas was the one listening. “Why?”

“I think someone might be hurting him.”

“Why do you think that?”

“He has bruises. Along his shoulders and his arm. As if someone tried to drag him around. I- every time I see one he gets annoyed and pushes me away. I think he- I think he might be being raped.”

“I hate to ask, but are you sure it’s done without his permission?”

“What?”

Alexander sucked in a breath as the cock in his mouth began to harden. Adams was enjoying this.

“In our sessions Alexander has mentioned James Reynolds to me. Are you aware of what happened?”

“The shitbag raped Alexander.” Thomas growled out. Alexander felt tears dribbling down his face at the wrath Thomas’ voice promised.

“Multiple times. Is that all he told you?”

“Alexander said that Reynolds forced him to sleep with other people as well. For- for money or favours or just to look the other way.”

“Alexander has told me the same. Are you sure that isn’t happening?”

“I- you think Reynolds might be hurting him?”

“No. I’m wondering if Alexander might be going down a self-destructive path.”

“I don’t-”

“You’ve both been admitted for treatment. While you have responded well to it, Alexander has not. Alexander is still expecting you to hold up your half of the agreement.”

“Fuck.” Thomas breathed out. Alexander drew in a quiet, shaky breath. Thomas didn’t want to die anymore. Alexander would have to kill himself alone. Just like he’d done everything until he found Thomas.

“He might be cheating on you.”

“Alexander wouldn’t do that!”

“I don’t want to pull into question your relationship Thomas but he might. It’s a self-destructive behaviour that could seriously hurt him. It’s very common in suicidal teenagers. If Reynolds performed similar acts on him then it might be possible that Alexander views this as normal, that he thinks that sex is simply a bargaining tool.”

“But- we- we’ve had sex.” Thomas’ voice was shocked and Alexander wanted to scream. “Did I- did I do what Reynolds did?”

“Maybe. In his head, maybe.”

“What the fuck?” Thomas whispered. “I- he would have told me!”

“Would he? How much do you trust Alexander?”

“I-” Thomas shook his head and Adams sighed.

“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. Here.” A drawer opened and closed. “Take these.”

“He’ll ask me where I got them.”

“Tell him it was me. He needs to trust me if he wants to recover.”

“He doesn’t want to.”

“Then maybe it’s your job to make him.” Adams suggested. Thomas nodded and stood.

“I- I’ve gotta go.”

“Okay. Take care Thomas.”

The door closed behind Thomas and Adams hesitated before he pushed his chair backwards. Alexander glared up at him, face streaked with tears and eyes rimmed red.

“See? Even your precious boyfriend knows how much of a whore you are.”

Alexander didn’t even think before he spat up into Adams’ face. Adams slapped him and his head slammed into the side of the desk. Before he could turn his head back, he was being dragged upwards by a hand around his throat. Adams threw him down onto the desk where Alexander’s head hit the solid wood and bounced.

Alexander’s vision began to blur and he barely understood it as he felt something poking at his hole. Then suddenly there was a blunt something that was too much and Alexander wanted to scream. He opened his mouth and nothing came out because nothing ever came out.

He didn’t have his words, he didn’t have his dignity. He didn’t even have Thomas. He had nothing.

 

“Please don’t.”

Alexander whipped around at the voice. He stared at James who was stood a few paces away. James was staring at the bedsheets in Alexander’s hands. Alexander flipped him off and James sighed.

“Please. I- I don’t wanna see another friend kill themselves. Just- think about it. Think about Thomas.”

That made Alexander pause for a moment. He then just shook his head and tears began to gather in his eyes. James noticed them and frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

Alexander shook his head again.

“Is it Thomas? Is- is it?”

Alexander nodded and James sighed.

“What’s going on with you two?”

Alexander sighed and put down the bedsheets. He knew he wouldn’t have the strength to do it again, not now. Not without Thomas.

Instead he walked over to Thomas’ closet and brought out something. James frowned.

“Condoms?”

Alexander nodded.

“You’re fucking? I’d- I’d guessed that.” James stared at the condoms and continued to frown. Alexander sighed. How could he explain it? He shook his head before pointing to Thomas’ bed. He repeated the gesture several times before James slowly caught on.

“Thomas cheated? That’s no fucking reason to kill yourself.”

Alexander sighed and shook his head again. He pointed to himself, then the condoms and then to Thomas’ bed while shaking his head.

“You cheated?”

Alexander paused at that. He slowly tugged up his shirt. James frowned as he saw dark bruises from where Adams had grabbed him.

“Jesus. What-” James’ eyes opened in horror and he stared at Alexander for a moment. Alexander looked away first. “Someone raped you?”

Alexander nodded.

“Fuck.” James breathed out. “Thomas?” Alexander shook his head. “Does he know?” Alexander shook his head viciously. “You’ve gotta tell him, Alexander.” Alexander shook his head and crossed his arms. “Who was it?”

Alexander paused at that. Should he say something? Thomas had betrayed him, had spat out his secrets to Adams and had then brought Adams’ gifts back. He’d looked at the bruises Adams had left and thought Alexander had cheated.

Alexander grabbed James’ arm before he could think through what a bad idea this was. He carefully traced out an A. James frowned.

“A.” Alexander traced a D. “D.” Alexander traced a second A. “A.” Alexander traced an M. “M. Adams?” Alexander nodded and James stared at him in horror. “Is that why your pen and paper were taken?”

Alexander nodded. After Adams had finished raping him he’d stripped Alexander of every privilege. Alexander was still slowly getting them all back. Pen and paper were a long way away.

“Come on. We’re sorting this.”

At that Alexander shook his head and backed away. James stared at him in confusion.

“You have to report it!”

Alexander shook his head again and James frowned.

“You’re scared. Did he threaten you?”

Alexander pointed to Thomas’ bed and James scoffed.

“I swear to God, I’m going to kill him. Adams, not Thomas. Look, you can’t let him get away with this. What if he does it a second time?”

Alexander stared at James for a long time after that before he felt tears begin to course down his face. He held up two fingers and shook his head.

“It- it wouldn’t be the second time? Then how- how many?”

Alexander shrugged and James sighed.

“Since you got here?”

Alexander nodded and James cursed.

“Follow me. I can keep you safe. I promise.” James stared Alexander in the eyes and Alexander nodded after a long moment. James smiled and took his hand. Alexander let it happen and for the first time in a long time, didn’t flinch away from the physical contact that wasn’t Thomas.

 

“You asshole!” Thomas shouted. “You fucking asshole! How dare you?”

“Thomas!” James shouted back, standing. Between them, Alexander bowed his head.

“Stay out of this.” Thomas snarled. “This is between me and my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend has been raped for months without you ever realising it!”

“That’s impossible.”

“No it’s not!”

“I know my boyfriend and I know he’s being a bastard for fun!”

**He raped me. It’s all true**

Alexander stared down at the note in his lap. He didn’t bother showing it, knew it wouldn’t do any good. Thomas believed what he wanted. Alexander couldn’t change that.

“Thomas, shut the hell up and listen to him!”

“No!” Thomas shouted. He took a step closer and grabbed Alexander’s collar. Alexander instinctively went limp and followed the movement as Thomas hauled him to his feet. Then there were shouts and screams. Alexander didn’t know, couldn’t make out what was happening.

At some point he was released so abruptly his brain couldn’t comprehend it and he just fell to the floor. There were more shouts after that. Alexander just curled in on himself and began to sob.

“Hey, it’s okay.” James whispered. Alexander didn’t stop sobbing.

“Alexander-” Thomas broke off when Alexander flinched back. “I didn’t- I thought-”

“I think you’ve done enough damage for one day.” James spat out. Thomas stared at him in horror.

“James-”

“Get out of here!” James shouted.

Thomas stared at the two of them with wide eyes before he turned on his heel and all but ran. Alexander didn’t care. He just wanted to get out. He just wanted to get far enough away from everything that he could take a knife to his wrists.

He just didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

 

“I understand that your privileges have been restored.”

Alexander stared down at his hands, not bothering to try and write anything.

“Alexander?” Washington prompted. Alexander flinched back slightly as his new therapist leant forwards. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

**Didn’t**

“Why do you only use your notepad?”

**Can’t speak**

“You could learn sign language.”

Alexander paused at that and glanced up at Washington. He didn’t understand Washington. He had power over Alexander but hadn’t used it. Yet, Alexander corrected himself. Yet.

“It might take a long time to master it but you could be having conversations in almost no time. I’m sure James would want to learn it.”

**It wasn’t an option before**

“What?” Washington asked in surprise. Alexander glanced up at him. “Adams was supposed to bring it up in your first meeting.” Alexander scoffed as he remembered how that meeting had ended.

**No-one told me**

Alexander glanced up at Washington, waiting for that familiar pity. Instead Washington looked angry. That was never good. Alexander curled in on himself slightly and Washington took in a deep breath.

“Would you be interested in learning sign language?”

Alexander nodded slowly and Washington smiled.

Alexander walked out of the session knowing a total of twenty four words and the certainty that his silence was permanent etched into his brain all over again. He slumped back to his room and lay on his bed.

Thomas was on the other side of the room and he looked up as Alexander entered. He went to say something but didn’t, just fell back onto his bed. Alexander closed his eyes, wishing he could close the world out.

“Did it go okay?” Thomas asked gently. Alexander turned his head to stare at him. Thomas looked terrified and Alexander just offered a small smile and nodded. “That-that’s good.” They lapsed back into awkward silence as if they hadn’t once trusted each other with everything.

**You should have told me you didn’t want to continue with our agreement**

Alexander shoved the pre written words into Thomas’ hand. Thomas stared at it in confusion.

“I don’t-”

**You should have told me you didn’t want the suicide pact to continue. You should have told me before you told anyone else**

“I-I’m sorry Alexander. I- how do you know that?”

Alexander stared at him before the fight went out of him. He sat down on the bed and pointed to the spot next to him.

“You want me to sit down?” Alexander nodded and Thomas sat, taking care to not touch Alexander. Alexander knew why he did it but it was still infuriating.

**I know because I was in the room**

“The room?”

**When you were given the condoms**

Thomas frowned at the line. He bit his lip, trying to think.

“You- you couldn’t’ve been. It was just us.”

**I was under the desk with his cock shoved down my throat after he’d fucked me. I listened to you giving away my secrets and felt him become hard. Afterwards I spat at him for calling me a whore again and he fucked me as raw as he could while strangling me**

**You should have fucking trusted me**

Thomas took the piece of paper and read through it. He made a strangled half sound at the first sentence and then went deathly silent.

“Alexander I didn’t-” Thomas shook his head. “I-”

**I heard you. I heard you saying that because I was raped I couldn’t be faithful anymore. I heard you saying that you saw my injuries and you didn’t talk to me about them because you thought I was cheating. I wasn’t fucking cheating and I never would!**

Alexander shoved the paper into Thomas’ lap. Thomas stared at it and nodded.

“I- I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck. I just- I wanted-” Thomas shook his head. “I-” Alexander shook his head.

**I trusted you**

“No you didn’t.” Thomas said softly. “You didn’t tell me you were being hurt. Not now and not with Reynolds.” Alexander glared at him as he began to scrawl words down.

**You told me everything about your family?**

“I’ve told you what they did to me. I- I told you about the conversion therapy and the- the beatings. I told you that stuff!”

**Because I found out**

“I- I want to help you Alexander!”

**You fucking can’t! You couldn’t’ve helped fight off Reynolds or Adams! You can’t get my voice back!**

“I didn’t do anything to your fucking voice, Alexander.” Thomas snarled out. “You did, remember? Because that was the end! Because we were going to do it and then we fucking didn’t and you got fucked up with it. I’m so fucking sorry but that was not my fault!”

Alexander stared at him before he looked back down at the notepad in front of him. He wanted to say something but he didn’t have anything. Thomas sighed.

“Alexander I-”

**I want to talk**

“I…”

**I want to die**

“I don’t want to help you.”

**Why not?**

“Because I don’t want you to die.” Thomas pulled Alexander into a hug and the boy collapsed into him and began to sob. He wanted it to be over, just over. He didn’t care.

 

It took Alexander another month until he was cleared to leave. It wasn’t that he was fixed, more that he wanted to leave and was willing to lie through his teeth to get it. Washington knew, of course he did. He didn’t say anything which Alexander was eternally grateful for.

Thomas’ heart sank when he walked out of the hospital. His father was stood next to the car, glowering. Thomas gulped in a breath and released Alexander’s hand. Alexander glanced to the man and his face went pale.

“I’ll be fine.” Thomas whispered. Alexander didn’t seem to believe him but he walked off anyway. He got into Reynolds’ car and ignored as the man put his hand on his thigh. Better the devil you know.

Thomas walked over to his father and smiled weakly.

“Hey, dad.”

“Get in.”

Thomas nodded and got into the car, ducking his head when he was in. He knew his father was furious.

“Who was that?”

“Alexander Hamilton. He was my roommate.”

“Is he gay?”

“Uh- no.” Alexander was bisexual, he’d made enough puns about it for Thomas to know that.

“Did you fuck him?”

“Dad?”

“Did you?” The man snapped. Thomas stared at him in horror.

“N- no.”

A slap rang out in the car and Thomas gasped in pain. His father glared at him.

“Don’t lie. Did you?”

“Y-yes.” Thomas muttered out. His dad glowered at him.

“I didn’t raise you to be some kind of homo!”

“Dad-”

“If you say one more word then your punishment will be so much worse.” Thomas gulped and hunched over in his seat.

As soon as they were inside, Thomas’ punishment became clear. His father grabbed him by the collar and threw him down the stairs to the basement. Thomas cried out as he hit the floor, a snap coming from his arm. He shouted out in pain but it was eclipsed in a moment as his father descended on him with a switch.

When his father had gone Thomas just lay on his back sobbing. His arm was broken, he was almost sure of it. His body was bloodied and he just wanted to collapse. He reached for his phone and pulled it out, sending a text to Alexander.

**To: A**

**You okay?**

Thomas waited for the response. He waited for a long time.


	3. Truth? Truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, major warning for graphic depictions of rape and suicide

Alexander’s breath picked up as he tried to look around. The blindfold over his eyes meant that he could make out vague shapes but not enough to do anything. There was a gag in his mouth, stretching his jaw wide. There were ropes around him, forcing him to half kneel with a straight back and hands tied behind him.

A sudden sound made him whip around and there was laughter. He didn’t know how many people were in the room any more, he’d lost count at three. He knew there was something fundamentally different about him and them though; they were spectators. He was the performance.

“Are you ready for me yet?” Reynolds’ voice came, silky smooth, from just behind him. Alexander flinched away and whirled around. He felt something on his neck and he tried to shake his head but couldn’t stop it as something settled around his neck, tight enough to dig into the skin painfully. He continued to shake his head but stopped as a bolt of pain raced through him from the collar.

Laughter sounded around the room as Alexander whipped his head back and forth, mouth open in a silent scream.

“God he looks good.” A voice whispered. Alexander squeezed his eyes tight shut and forced himself to stay still. He would not perform for these people, he would not be put on display.

Alexander let out a shuddery breath as he felt a hand wrap around his cock. He shook his head but couldn’t do anything as he was jerked to hardness. Something tight closed around it, forcing him to remain hard. Alexander wanted to sob at the all too familiar feeling.

“So who’s first?” A voice asked into the sudden silence. Alexander could feel the tension in the room. They were waiting for something, waiting for him. He felt something grab his face and he instinctively flinched away. Laughs came around the room.

“Stay still.” Someone whispered from right in front of him. Alexander whimpered as he heard a zipper. He screwed his eyes shut as the cock was shoved into his mouth. The man in front of him grabbed his hair and pulled, causing Alexander to try and arch away from it. As the man began to roughly fuck his mouth, Alexander couldn’t do anything to escape.

He felt someone touching his lower back and he flinched away, gagging as he shoved the cock further down his mouth. Laughs came up again as he felt something poking into his hole. He wanted to whisper pleas, wanted them to not do it.

Before he could even shake his head there was a cock at his entrance and then it was inside. He arched away from the pure agony of it but couldn’t do anything, held as immobile as he was. The collar went off and he began to sob in earnest at the agony coursing through his body.

In his jeans, thrown to the side, his phone buzzed. He didn’t hear it as the man in front of him came down his throat and a new person stepped forwards.

After what felt like centuries, Alexander was thrown to the floor, spirit empty and holes filled. His mouth was still forced open by the gag and his cock was achingly hard.

“Learned your lesson yet?” Reynolds whispered above him. Alexander nodded and Reynolds scoffed. He tugged Alexander to his feet and pressed him against the wall. There wasn’t even any resistance as he slipped inside, causing Alexander to sob again. He’d never had that many people before, never so roughly. “Fucking hell.” Reynolds muttered, shoving two fingers in next to his dick. Alexander tried to wriggle away but couldn’t. “We might need to do this more.”

Alexander shook his head and Reynolds laughed as he began to fuck the teen in earnest. Alexander screwed his eyes shut and let it happen. When Reynolds had come he stayed in Alexander and just breathed heavily as Alexander tried to compose himself. Before he could, there was something smashing into his shoulder. He started to wriggle but then Reynolds activated the collar again.

Alexander slipped down the wall as his legs gave out as blow after blow came to his right shoulder. He finally heard a crack and opened his mouth in a silent scream as Reynolds threw him to the ground.

Reynolds grinned as he stared down at Alexander who was sobbing as he tried to find some position where he wasn’t in pain.

“You’re mine. I won’t do this to you as long as you don’t try to leave. Got it?”

Alexander nodded and Reynolds ripped the blindfold off. Alexander blinked several times at how bright the room was. Reynolds then cut through the rope connecting his hands and Alexander tried to shift his right arm. Moving it at all sent waves of agony through him and he collapsed back into sobs.

Reynolds grinned and leant down. Alexander flinched away as Reynolds began to stroke his body. Reynolds pushed him down to lie flat on his back and Alexander did. He stared at Reynolds as the man pulled off the cock ring. Alexander shook his head but Reynolds just grinned.

“Do you know how pretty you looked? A cock at either end and begging for more?” He began to jerk Alexander off who refused to look at him. “When two of them fucked your tight hole?” Reynolds sped up and Alexander could feel that he was close. He didn’t want this, didn’t want any of this. “When you wanted more? You always want more and I gave it to you.” Reynolds let his hand wander back to Alexander’s hole, pressing three fingers in without a pause. “I wonder if I could get my whole fist in?” Before Reynolds could say or do anything else, Alexander came with a fresh batch of tears. Reynolds wiped his hands on Alexander’s chest, one of the only clean spots on the boy.

“You’re staying here for the next two days. There’s a bathroom in the corner and I’ll bring you food. If you try to do anything then this will happen again. I’m sure those men have friends. Imagine how many people we could have fucking you at once.” Alexander cowered back and Reynolds left the room.

For several long moments Alexander did nothing but try to control his breathing. Then he started to cry.

He didn’t want this, he didn’t want any of this. He wanted to die. He wanted to die so long ago and not be stuck in this hell. He should have died in the hurricane, with the noose around his neck, with split wrists and a knife held in a bloody hand. He should be dead.

He wasn’t.

 

**From: T**

**You okay?**

**From: A**

**Kinda. You?**

**From: T**

**Truth?**

**From: A**

**Truth.**

**From: T**

**He broke my arm and beat me. I’m stuck in the basement, don’t know when I can get out**

**From: A**

**Gang rape. Stuck in a room for the next two days**

**From: T**

**Fuck. Are you okay?**

**From: A**

**No**

**From: T**

**What do you mean?**

**From: A**

**It hurts**

**From: T**

**What does?**

**Everything. Reynolds made me come. I have a collar on**

**From: T**

**Collar?**

**From: A**

**Shock I think**

**From: T**

**We need to get you out of there**

**From: A**

**Where would I go?**

**From: T**

**Anywhere’s better**

**From: A**

**Adams was worse than Reynolds**

**From: T**

**Was he worse than what you just went through?**

**From: A**

**No**

**From: T**

**Reynolds makes money off you Alexander, how much do you think he just made? Reynolds will do this again**

**From: A**

**He’s never done it before**

**From: T**

**That doesn’t mean anything**

**From: A**

**Anyway, he couldn’t because they were too rough**

**From: T**

**You said you were okay**

**From: A**

**I lied**

**From: T**

**How badly?**

**From: A**

**Should go to a hospital**

**From: T**

**Will he let you?**

**From: A**

**Of course not**

 

When the next day of school rolled around, they both attended. As soon as they caught sight of each other they were next to each other. Thomas’ left arm was in plaster while Alexander’s right arm was immobilised by a homemade sling.

“Come on.” Thomas whispered. Alexander offered a weak smile and followed until they were sat underneath a big tree, the branches shadowing them. Thomas pulled out a pen and paper and passed them to Alexander who smiled weakly before he pointed to his arm.

“Shit, sorry. I- I didn’t-” Thomas bit his lip and Alexander just smiled before he leant forwards and kissed Thomas. Thomas kissed back and they broke apart after a long moment.

“What did they do to you?” Thomas asked as he stared at the black bruises around Alexander’s neck, small patches of burns along it. Alexander looked away but Thomas caught his chin. He gently turned Alexander’s face back to his. “They did it. Not you. I don’t care about what happened. I care about what they did to you, how they hurt you. I want to help you.” Alexander smiled weakly at that and nodded.

He took in a deep breath before he reached for the pen, gripping it in his left hand. Thomas held the paper steady as Alexander shakily wrote a few words.

**Blindfold**

**Collar**

**Ropes**

**Gag**

**Cock ring**

“Jesus.” Thomas breathed out. Alexander nodded, staring at the list. “O-oral?”

**Everything**

“Okay.” Thomas looped an arm around Alexander and the teen leant his head against Thomas’ chest. “How- how many?” Alexander paused at that, pen hovering above the page. “If you don’t want to-”

**?**

“How-how many people were there I mean.”

Alexander nodded and pointed back at the question mark. Thomas looked between them in confusion.

“You- you don’t know?” Alexander nodded and pointed at the word blindfold.  Thomas cursed and nodded. “I’m so sorry this happened.” Alexander snuggled into Thomas and let himself pretend for a few seconds that it wasn’t real, that everything could just vanish, that he wasn’t still in intense pain from the savage rape.

Thomas closed his eyes and pretended he could look after Alexander somehow, that he could save him. Then he opened his eyes and saw the tears that Alexander couldn’t brush away. Thomas made a decision.

“Do you- do you want to try again?”

Alexander nodded.

 

The third and final time was different. This time there would be no going back, there would be nothing to save him. This time, Alexander was alone. Thomas didn’t want to die but Alexander did.

So Thomas decided to help.

Thomas’ parents weren’t fond of him but he was still their child, they still looked after him. When they broke his arm they took him to the family doctor and bought him the painkillers he needed. They were more powerful than shop bought and Thomas could get his hands on more than enough of those as well.

Each day, Alexander was hurt more. Reynolds broke his promise after just a week, bringing five men back to the house and letting them fuck Alexander raw until he passed out. At that, Reynolds brought in the doctor that always looked after Alexander. While Alexander was still only half awake the doctor took his payment. He buttoned up and left as if nothing had happened while Alexander lay on the bed, wanting to die.

Two months after leaving the hospital, they were agreed. Alexander held a gun in a shaky hand while Thomas sat next to him with three packets of pain killers. He put them on the desk and stared at Alexander as the teen turned the gun over and over in his hands.

“You- you know how to use it?”

Alexander nodded. He stared up at Thomas with a faint smile. Thomas smiled back.

“Alexander I-” Thomas felt tears welling up in his eyes as he realised this was the end, this was the last time he’d ever see Alexander. Alexander was going to die because of Thomas. Alexander sighed and grabbed a pen and paper.

**This is helping me. There’s nothing left for me here Thomas. I’m a used up whore. I don’t want to be that. I want to be nothing. I can’t cope with another one of Reynolds’ sessions**

“Yeah.” Thomas smiled but he couldn’t keep it on his face as his chin wobbled. Alexander stood, placing the gun on the bed and surged forwards, locking lips. Thomas held him close as if he could hold off the inevitable, as if he could make Alexander safe. This was the only way Alexander could be safe, if Thomas let go.

**I love you**

“I love you too.” Thomas sobbed out. Alexander pushed him back and Thomas shook his head. “Please- I-” Alexander was crying as well but he still resolutely shook his head. He pointed to the door and Thomas nodded. “I-” Thomas took a step back and then another. He closed the door behind him and flinched as a gunshot rocketed through the house.

He sank to the floor and began to howl, a long sound of pure agony that wasn’t broken until the police started to bang on the door.

 

Death didn’t hurt. That was the first thing Alexander thought. It didn’t hurt as much as life had. Everything was white, pure. He looked around, half expecting fire to leap up from the floor and rip him to shreds. He deserved hell, he knew that.

Everything Reynolds had done to him, everything he and Adams had done, he knew he didn’t deserve Heaven but he could still hope.

“Alexander?”

Alexander flicked his eyes to the side and frowned as he saw Washington stood there. He immediately tried to move backwards but pain flared up and he stopped. He stared at Washington before he glanced around the room.

He wasn’t dead. Unless, of course, death included hospital rooms.

“You lied to me. You told me you were safe at home.”

Alexander shrugged. Washington sighed and handed him a pen and paper.

“When you were admitted you had a gunshot wound to your chest. The police arrived in enough time to get you to theatre. That was five days ago. You were given a rape kit and it came back positive. The semen that was discovered belonged to Thomas Jefferson, James Reynolds and others that haven’t been named yet. They are currently in jail.”

Alexander stared at Washington in amazement at that. Washington nodded.

“As there were also signs of physical abuse, Reynolds is still in jail because we need to interview you. Thomas is still there because his charges were told to his parents and they refused to pay bail. Alexander, I need you to tell me the truth, it’s very important. Did Thomas rape you?”

Alexander shook his head furiously. Thomas would never do anything like that. Washington let out a sigh of relief at that.

“Did Reynolds?”

Suddenly Alexander couldn’t meet Washington’s eyes. Washington bowed his head.

“The police need you to explain what was going on. They’re waiting outside. As soon as we’re done here, Thomas can come here as well. Social services is in the process of bailing him out and are looking into the situation at home.”

**I don’t want to say anything**

“Alexander, I can’t force you to report him. I can’t force you to do anything. But if he is not charged then you will return to his home.” Alexander flinched back at that and stared at his hands.

**He’ll punish me**

“Punish you?”

**Last time he made people pay to fuck me**

Washington took in a breath at that and Alexander eyed him warily.

“I’m shocked Alexander, I’m not angry.”

**I don’t know how many people there were or how long it went on for but it hurt. He fucked me twice and I know some of them did it twice as well. They forced me without prep or condoms. They doubled up, one at each end and then two until I wanted to die. When it was done he broke my shoulder so I couldn’t write anything and then he left me in a basement for two days**

Washington stared at the page and grew still. Alexander pulled back slightly and stared at him. Had he done something wrong? Alexander tried to reach for the paper, tried to take the words back but Washington pulled them closer.

“How long?” Washington’s voice was furious, cold and furious. “How long has he been abusing you like this?”

**Since I was fostered. It started smaller**

“Smaller?”

**Handjobs, blowjobs. If I wanted to eat I had to blow him first. Then if I wanted to buy things that weren’t crucial I’d let him fuck me properly.**

“Crucial?”

**Something he didn’t already have. When I fought back he hit me and fucked me anyway. I started to give up. At some point he sold me. I don’t remember. Someone would come to the house and do what they liked**

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

**I did**

“Who?”

**Mr George Eacker. He teaches History at my school. I told him just after Reynolds sold me**

“What happened?”

**He fucked me and became a regular customer. I didn’t tell anyone else until Thomas saw Reynolds fuck me**

“Was that after your first attempt?”

**Yes. Reynolds was furious with me until he realised I couldn’t talk. Then he was happy because it meant I couldn’t tell. Some of the people would have stopped paying for me but Reynolds didn’t tell them and just gagged me**

Washington nodded slowly. He took in a deep breath and released it slowly.

“You should have told us this while you were in the hospital.”

**I did**

“Who?”

**Adams**

Washington stared at the piece of paper for a moment before he let out a long breath. He then turned to stare at Alexander.

“John Adams is a convicted sex offender, Alexander. He can never be a doctor again after what he did to you. He is a rapist. He- he is not like most people.”

**He was like Reynolds. He was like Eacker. He was like all the people who were brought to me. Why would I try to fight? I knew nothing would change. It would be like telling Eacker again. This time all that changed was that Adams got found out**

“We could have saved you.” Washington insisted softly. Alexander shook his head at that with a tired smile on his face.

**Nothing can save me. That’s the point**

“Well I’m not going to stop trying. And neither is Thomas.”

 

When Thomas walked into the hospital the first thing his eyes were drawn to was Alexander. Alexander was asleep, hair splayed across the pillow and a faint smile on his face. He looked frail but he was still there, by some miracle.

Thomas took one of Alexander’s hands and sank into the seat next to him. Alexander whined and opened one eye only to relax as he spotted Thomas. He smiled and Thomas felt his heart melt all over again.

“You okay?”

Alexander nodded and Thomas grinned.

“They told me you explained everything. I’m proud of you for doing that. I- I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” Alexander nodded and pointed to the paper. Thomas picked it up and winced as he saw the words scribbled across it.

He didn’t understand what they’d been answers to but they answered far too many questions he’d never wanted answered. Thomas then passed the paper to Alexander who took it.

**I’m going to live with Washington for a bit now. I don’t think he’ll do anything to me**

“He’s fostering me as well. I told them I didn’t want us to be separated.” Alexander smiled up at him for that. “I- I’m so fucking glad this failed. I know you didn’t want it- I know you needed to get out of there but we- we might be-”

Alexander shook his head and grabbed his pen and paper. Thomas stared at him in horror as he scribbled out five words.

**I want to try again**

“No. I- I can’t. I can’t let you kill yourself!” Thomas shouted. Alexander flinched slightly but continued to stare defiantly up at Thomas. Alexander rolled his eyes and began to write something else.

**I want to try living again**

Thomas stared at the piece of paper before his eyes flickered to Alexander who nodded. Thomas smiled and kissed Alexander gently.

“There, I can help with that.”

Thomas extended his fist, pinkie extended. Alexander stared at it before he did the same, interlocking their pinkies.

“Stay alive. That’ll be enough, right? Save your strength and stay alive.”

In lieu of an answer Alexander leant forwards and gently kissed Thomas, sealing their agreement for the second time.


End file.
